20%

Tonight is the tenth night since my wife returned from her trip. The house is asleep. My wife, specifically, is asleep in the guest bedroom. Of the ten nights she's been back, we've slept in the same bed twice -- and, for the avoidance of doubt, very soundly, slumbering uninterruptedly from recline 'til dawn, no creaky springs, no burned calories...got it? on both occasions.

So that's going well within the range of expectations.

Yesterday two failures came to an ugly head:

1) The failed experiment in #1's year of homeschooling. In my critical and unfair observation, my wife (who earlier in life had been a big advocate of homeschooling, so much so that she has an extensive collection of homeschooling texts and other materials aggregated through the years) steered #1 toward an online course, because that is relatively hands-off for my wife. What it ended up being was a year of compounding all kinds of #1's tendencies toward underexertion, distraction, lack of discipline, etc.

2) A major setback in another worthy pursuit --the specifics of which aren't important-- that we've been working on for years (correction: I personally haven't been the one working on it, which, granted, may be part of the problem; I've just been paying whatever bills have been required for its continuation), and in which my father, who is an internationally-recognized expert in the field, had been coaxing along #1 as a special project (to say "protégé" would be a slight exaggeration, but he was very dedicated to the endeavor), but yesterday ended that relationship, for reasons (see "underexertion, distraction, lack of discipline," above) that are entirely understandable.

My related frustration -- anger, really -- is compounded primarily by the fact that these failures shine a spotlight on the growing manifestation in #1 of some of my own worst weaknesses, and I don't know how to keep them from being passed on to the next generation. I'm not the only one facing this dilemma (after all, "Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent." - Calvin Coolidge) but it's maddening.

My frustration is also fueled by the idea that every minute my wife is spending on this MLM bullshit is a minute she's not spending with the kids. I've done a 180 on some of my views that created so much discord in the early days of our marriage -- such a change, in fact, that it's now the altered view (altered to the more traditional and previously-desirable --i.e., by my wife-- view) that is creating problems. I'm comfortable being the breadwinner. My job isn't my life's calling, but at the end of the day it's a great gig. I have fantastic colleagues, face regular challenges with a lot of opportunity for learning and growth, make for the most part meaningful (from the company's perspective) contribution, and am rewarded with very good pay. And now I expect my wife to be intently focused on the kids. But when days like yesterday happen, and I see #s 2 - 4 watching TV with alarming frequency and duration, often while my wife is MLMing, I reach my wit's end.

This morning we did a service activity for some members of the ward, but it took place in another city about 20 miles away. We carpooled with our neighbors, my wife's upline and her husband. His MLM views are not too dissimilar from mine, but he is infinitely more accommodating and diplomatic about the whole thing than I am. The wives were talking MLM the whole way. It wasn't a good drive for me. I was pouty silent the whole time. When we got home, I discussed my concerns about the children/time thing, first in an admittedly very destructive way (including mention of "working on your post-me income" -- while #1 was standing there) and then tried again a couple of hours later, but it didn't go much better.

Tonight, #1 insulted my father -- not to him and not harshly, but to me and cavalierly. We'd been looking forward to doing something special together (either alone or with #2) for Easter tomorrow, but the evening ended with me telling her to "shut up and go to bed," and, as I walked out of the door, that our plans weren't happening and I "didn't want to go with [her] anyway." (Yes, my delivery was as juvenile as it sounds here.)

The bittersweetness here is that this I had what was in many ways an almost sublime afternoon and evening with #s 2 & 3, while my wife took #1 and #4 to some MLM-related thing. (And I just paused this post a few minutes at the sound of #4's cries from his crib -- took him a bottle and sung him back to sleep on my shoulder. Indescribably gratifying.) But as the evening wound down, I felt my reasons for not wanting to remain a part of this marriage growing beyond the miserable marital union itself, and extending toward the children it produced, in that I don't want to stick around and watch as the very worst parts of my wife and me (and those are some ghastly bad parts, rest assured) seemingly inevitably become increasingly evident in them.