[skiing]

proud of daughter, 10, teaching 2 yr old

angry afterwards, at self
- watching daughter ski with my bad habits
- that I gave up on her (gold medals in small races against older skiers, deer valley course times, etc.) but when she was 7, park city - 80 skiers from all the resorts' teams, she was youngest on the mountain (last month of 3-yr eligibility window), finished in the middle; my feelings shen she crossed finish line pumping fist...an element of shame, embarrassment, "don't do that! You didn't win! Clearly no concept of how far behind the leader..."
- Told friends, family that it was getting expensive, commitment every Sat morning, what's the long-range plan here at the end of this investment? All of which is true, but I would be kidding myself not to acknowledge the possibility that it was about not winning.
- professionally I'm struggling with a career that doesn't come easily to me, that... etc.

Drove home, not wanting to raise these kids or be in the marriage

Shower - Made the connection, perhaps not too much of a stretch, is that the allure of Lindsey Vonn (may have noted that Leno chose guests well for his first week back)--contrary to a theory I mentioned in a previous post--that she represents my own deficiencies, but that she represents success where I have failed with my daughter. Same sport, my daughter will be tall, blonde, more likely attractive than not. Dedication, determination, etc.

Cried as I told my daugher (room was dark, cried silently, I don't think she could tell) that she didn't deserve my anger, that it wasn't anything she did, sorry, forgive me? yes; and that she's a wonderful girl any parents would be proud of.