Thursday, May 26, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
From Russia with...Love?
Left this morning with wife angrily grounding #1 to her room for the day
Drive home - returned txt from neighbor/friend, also in stk prez, wanted to call me to a stake position working with YSAs, of which there's a 50+% inactivity rate. Hemmed, hawed, he said "stay with us...just stay with us"
On way home, stopped and took this pic. ("Stopped" doesn't quite described it -- she passed in front of me in the crosswalk while I was stopped at an intersection, so I looped around two blocks to intercept her later.) Doesn't do justice to her butt.
Arriving at home, saw that our Russian nanny, from when #1 was just a little older than #3 is now, was visiting from San Diego with her new husband. Sweetie. Happy with new husband; prvs husband (LDS guy she moved to the States to marry) was viciously abusive - black eyes, etc.
Mowed lawn as the sun set, watched wife vacuuming inside. Thought of how things could be different had we made different decisions in the years since the nanny. Maybe we should have divorced, although that of course means #s 3 & 4 wouldn't be here. Maybe we should have dispensed with our self interest altogether and given ourselves wholly to the marriage, putting it first above all other considerations. But instead we now have a mess, with massive scar tissue. Salvageable? Perhaps.
Cuddle last night - third time in several weeks we've slept in same bed - leave alone or grope me.
Drive home - returned txt from neighbor/friend, also in stk prez, wanted to call me to a stake position working with YSAs, of which there's a 50+% inactivity rate. Hemmed, hawed, he said "stay with us...just stay with us"
On way home, stopped and took this pic. ("Stopped" doesn't quite described it -- she passed in front of me in the crosswalk while I was stopped at an intersection, so I looped around two blocks to intercept her later.) Doesn't do justice to her butt.
Arriving at home, saw that our Russian nanny, from when #1 was just a little older than #3 is now, was visiting from San Diego with her new husband. Sweetie. Happy with new husband; prvs husband (LDS guy she moved to the States to marry) was viciously abusive - black eyes, etc.
Mowed lawn as the sun set, watched wife vacuuming inside. Thought of how things could be different had we made different decisions in the years since the nanny. Maybe we should have divorced, although that of course means #s 3 & 4 wouldn't be here. Maybe we should have dispensed with our self interest altogether and given ourselves wholly to the marriage, putting it first above all other considerations. But instead we now have a mess, with massive scar tissue. Salvageable? Perhaps.
Cuddle last night - third time in several weeks we've slept in same bed - leave alone or grope me.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
More is less
My wife and I went out to dinner on Friday evening. Perhaps the occasion was to mark the passage of two months since we last, uh, "renewed our nuptials." (It's easy to say "have sex" when I'm addressing the abstract; a bit harder when referring to my marriage specifically.) Perhaps it was Thai because somehow we knew that was the only way we could add any spice to the relationship.
The occasion became more argument than anything else, as we chose to use the time to "work through" a handful of agenda and summer itinerary checklist things. And the occasion served to remind me that the more I try to work through issues with my wife, the less I want to be married to her, and the less I want to raise these precious children with her. I was reminded of this latter point again today during lunch, as she drilled into the two eldest kids for their behavior during Sacrament Meeting -- because we are so utterly unhappy with each other, she and I bring out the worst parenting instincts in each other, and the kids suffer as a result.
Last night as I put on my pyjamas after the end of a day heaving on circumstantial and relationship frustration, I looked into our bedroom mirror and exclaimed aloud, "What the f*ck am I living for!?" Having heard at some impressionable point that Satan can't know our thoughts directly but can only infer them from our words and actions, I always feel a bit edgy when articulating something like that aloud (or in writing, such as here), which seems to add to the cathartic effect.
The occasion became more argument than anything else, as we chose to use the time to "work through" a handful of agenda and summer itinerary checklist things. And the occasion served to remind me that the more I try to work through issues with my wife, the less I want to be married to her, and the less I want to raise these precious children with her. I was reminded of this latter point again today during lunch, as she drilled into the two eldest kids for their behavior during Sacrament Meeting -- because we are so utterly unhappy with each other, she and I bring out the worst parenting instincts in each other, and the kids suffer as a result.
Last night as I put on my pyjamas after the end of a day heaving on circumstantial and relationship frustration, I looked into our bedroom mirror and exclaimed aloud, "What the f*ck am I living for!?" Having heard at some impressionable point that Satan can't know our thoughts directly but can only infer them from our words and actions, I always feel a bit edgy when articulating something like that aloud (or in writing, such as here), which seems to add to the cathartic effect.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Coco
Parfum
Gift from only prolonged period of mutual affection and adoration - courtship, when we hardly knew each other
Metahphor
Gift from only prolonged period of mutual affection and adoration - courtship, when we hardly knew each other
Metahphor
Weekend conversations
Quisiera x or just don't care, deo will release from amore et paciencia
Discussion re. #1, si jemand se llevara, pas care; lacrime
Sade @ office max, cnn comm @ garff
Discussion re. #1, si jemand se llevara, pas care; lacrime
Sade @ office max, cnn comm @ garff
The Book of Mormon musical
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/22/opinion/22brooks.html (Insight as to why quit porn -- perhaps best articulation)
http://mormanity.blogspot.com/2011/04/that-book-of-mormon-musical.html
http://www.mormonartistsgroup.com/Mormon_Artists_Group/Elders_on_Broadway.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/post/why-i-wont-be-seeing-the-book-of-mormon-musical/2011/04/14/AFiEn1fD_blog.html
http://mormanity.blogspot.com/2011/04/that-book-of-mormon-musical.html
http://www.mormonartistsgroup.com/Mormon_Artists_Group/Elders_on_Broadway.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/post/why-i-wont-be-seeing-the-book-of-mormon-musical/2011/04/14/AFiEn1fD_blog.html
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Sex and the City
Link back to prvs blog re JPM
Hotel Palace - view of St Patrick's
Noticed pillowed bench along window - someone else has had the idea
Link to STD per cap article
HBOno (link) - documentary
IMF guy - Ines maid columbia
Bom musical
http://mormanity.blogspot.com/2011/04/that-book-of-mormon-musical.html
http://www.mormonartistsgroup.com/Mormon_Artists_Group/Elders_on_Broadway.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/post/why-i-wont-be-seeing-the-book-of-mormon-musical/2011/04/14/AFiEn1fD_blog.html
6/18/11
NYC article http://www.newsweek.com/2011/06/05/hotel-confidential.html
5/23/11
1776 'the women were handsome' NYC
(Note that it's later) DSK & maid
Had never gone to Met, all other b'way shows sold out so I gave it a shot (BTW, thought about Gilda several times during week, whether, dressing dapper, I could show up at stage door and she'd accompany me back to hotel http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nino-Machaidze/106737892391 since opera singers are apparently very liberal with their physical favors)
Lobby - saw this
Showed up in subway (I would admit if stalked)
Shame - pics like this, same camera used for my kids; same eyes, heart, can they coexist
Hotel Palace - view of St Patrick's
Noticed pillowed bench along window - someone else has had the idea
Link to STD per cap article
HBOno (link) - documentary
IMF guy - Ines maid columbia
Bom musical
http://mormanity.blogspot.com/2011/04/that-book-of-mormon-musical.html
http://www.mormonartistsgroup.com/Mormon_Artists_Group/Elders_on_Broadway.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/post/why-i-wont-be-seeing-the-book-of-mormon-musical/2011/04/14/AFiEn1fD_blog.html
6/18/11
NYC article http://www.newsweek.com/2011/06/05/hotel-confidential.html
5/23/11
1776 'the women were handsome' NYC
(Note that it's later) DSK & maid
Had never gone to Met, all other b'way shows sold out so I gave it a shot (BTW, thought about Gilda several times during week, whether, dressing dapper, I could show up at stage door and she'd accompany me back to hotel http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nino-Machaidze/106737892391 since opera singers are apparently very liberal with their physical favors)
Lobby - saw this
Showed up in subway (I would admit if stalked)
Shame - pics like this, same camera used for my kids; same eyes, heart, can they coexist
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