Two dreams

Last night, I dreamt that I was sitting at the table in my parents' kitchen, sitting in the same spot in which I sat during the first date with my wife --during which I cooked coconut lime chicken for her-- observing a conversation between my wife and a man five or ten years our senior and who reminded me of a slightly heftier Ed Begley Jr. during his glory years, who I understood to be a physician of some sort. I couldn't tell whether they knew that I was there, but from their conversation, it seemed like they didn't. Or if they did, they didn't care. Or at least she didn't care.

It quickly became very clear that he was very interested in her, and that she was not offering much verbal resistance. So I said, or thought so intensely that it might have been audible, "Just f*** her. Go ahead and f*** her. She'll like it. She'll feel guilty, maybe, briefly, like she's let some vague someone somewhere down for some reason, but after the dust settles and the mess is mopped, she'll like it and it'll do her some good. Just f*** her now. On the floor, on the table, wherever. You both want it, so just do it."

And that was it.

I know to which conscious thoughts I can attribute much of this dream, but the matter of whether I'd actually like my wife (for whatever reason: fascination? justification? liberation?) to have a tryst of some kind is an interesting one. Ironically, of the two of us, she's the one who's come closest --emotionally and physically...I only have the edge mentally-- to having an actual affair. Not sure whether I've written about that one yet. A subject for another day, perhaps.

The night before last, I had another dream that disturbed me. But enough dream details for one post.

Time to revisit the "Separate Vacations" idea

SkyMiles and hotel vouchers and available vacation and strong dollar - when would we have this oppty again? I wanted to make the most of it, a Whitman's Sampler box of europe for the kids, plant some seeds, pique some interest. So it was a brisk pace. Complicated, whirlwind itinerary that I planned pricisely (had asked for input), came off with very few glitches, except for those caused by generally starting our days after 10AM. No, didn't go to EuroDisney or Asterix Land, but we only went to a handful of churches of any consequence (didn't even go to Notre Dame, despite obvious Hunchback allure) and only one art museum...the Alte Pinakotek in Munich (Abraham and Isaac).

This time, unlike prvs times, wasn't about money (i.e., invariably her wanting to spend more than I did), but was about the pace and the content.

She didn't have to come, had worked it out for her to stay behind in fact, at her election, then she got sad imagining us over there and her here nursing

Uncurious. Bus, morning of Rome: Rome doesn't interest me

Held hands 4 times. I don't remember going more than three consecutive waking hours without some element of tension. #2 (age 6) at one point observed, "You and mom don't seem to be getting along." Even argued about in-flight headphones as we began final descent into SLC. Very hard for her to imagine turned-tables scenarios -- if I were addressing her the way she addresses me.

Lots of sun dresses - winced every time one went by because I knew she knew. By second week, I was having quickie thoughts again (link Tree Room).

Munich - Sunday afternoon - kitchen, only place I feel safe

German in-flight movie about growing old. I don't want to grow old; definitely not with her.

For first time, horrifically calming thought that the best outcome would be to ensure that the kids wind up not in my hands or hers, but in someone else's, namely sis and bro in law.

Radio west in car: author of The Male Brain - "Men have a constant backdrop of mating selection going on. Like the wall of screens behind the new anchor. The focus may be on something else, but it's always there. Doesn't mean they're going to drop everything and go chase each fertile, hourglass figure that walks by - although that can happen of course - it just means that they're being men. We should rejoice in their men-ness..."

http://www.publicbroadcasting.net/kuer/news.newsmain/article/0/184/1666400/RadioWest/62310.The.Male.Brain
http://www.amazon.com/Male-Brain-Louann-Brizendine-M-D/dp/0767927532

Reprieve

I was very close this month to resigning from my calling. It's a very cool calling that I, perhaps, haven't fully appreciated. When my wife and I told the kids at FHE a couple of weeks ago that the plan was for me to resign, our daughter began to weep openly, and then I with her, and we continued more or less to console each other until after I'd tucked her into bed.

As I'd approached what seemed to be an foregone decision, I began to feel as if I'd squandered the opportunity to grow through the calling, to open myself up to whatever might be sent my way, whether truth, light, joy, assurance, or what-not, because I was so often casual about the calling at best, and, too often, allowed myself to be lustfully distracted while I was --supposedly-- actively "serving." There was something soberingly familiar in today's Gospel Doctrine lesson from 1 Samuel, which tells of Eli's sons who, while serving as priests, "lay with the women that assembled at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation." While I certainly haven't lain with any of these women --at least not in real life-- it's not for lack of contemplation on my part.

Then, through some quick and supportive action from the extended family (details aren't necessary), we decided that I wouldn't quit, at least not for now. With this decision, a leaden weight has been pulled out of my gut, and I've sensed an almost immediate change in my attitude --maybe even resolve?-- with respect to the calling. I'm hopeful. We'll see.

Also, the following are excerpts from a note I found on the counter after arriving home late at night one evening:

We all miss you when you have these long nights, especially [#2]... You are a hard worker for us. I try to reinforce this frequently and from different angles with the children. We love you and are grateful to you. I recognize you have a lot on your shoulders right now. Let me know how I can help and I'll do my best. I love you. Thanks for rising to so many occasions.