Going Dark, Seeking Light

In looking back over this blog, I am struck by the disproportionately high share of negative entries, which doesn't represent what I believe to be my true feelings about my marriage or my religion. It seems that this has begun to serve less and less as a forum for me to work through thoughts, and more and more as a driver of what I'm thinking: "Oh, I've got to hold onto that idea / image / attitude / criticism / cynicism for the blog..." etc. These things have slanted heavily negative because, well, "If it bleeds, it leads," and I fear that the net effect has been that the blog has become a circular meta-driver of sentiment, if that makes sense. (No, I'm not blaming all of my problems on a blog.)

It's not what my family (while I am still clinging to one), my spirit or I need, so I'm shuttering the shop indefinitely.

Adios.

Out

I'm writing this from the computer in my parents' basement, where I've been spending the last several nights. (They, conveniently, are out of town.) The route to my arrival here is somewhat

Sundance/big Sister
Next morning BofM/JS question, No - can't say I believe.

Next several days, systematically standardized my message to four key people: wife, parents (discuss in depth - pleasantly surprised at their responses), closest sister, boss.

CPS - rallying point
Sunday: Bishop (legs more of a symbol now; used to think territorial denial quid pro quo, now I suspect more likely the spiritual expectation was so high, I didn't want to fail so I didn't enter the race)

Fight: Cuddling, trip to Denver, then...Baby burial sermon? Segullah Good Girl Syndrome? Ed wk (brain) & babysitter cost (finance)

Yesterday: morning, sis: Why does she hate you? 1 not pillar of priesthood power; 2 don't admire her intellectually; 3 don't like her legs, i.e., 2 & 3 are symbols of I don't accept her as she is
Day - contrasts - "wish I could" @ Rack; heart leapt @ her message "good for us"


Today - Sandberg - Attachment Injuries (what do people fear that keeps them in? reputation, how it will look, loneliness, finances, etc? me: kids); saved seat, walked past glanced @ me; in-class scoping "who injured you? I won't! let me make it better..." Fireproof fight scene, "That's violence - she felt unsafe physically, that's violence."




As I was gathering a little food from the fridge, my father in law asked tonight how work's going, then how things are going at home.

Girls in Geo tracker - as I rounded corner in front of parents' home, it was swerving in front of me. By the time I parked and was unloading the car, they were going by for another loop, shout-singing in unison "California Girlz." Wondered 18?