I've noted in a previous post how thoughts tend to wander more frequently and unfaithfully than usual when I travel for work, and that this tendency evidently isn't unique to me. This tends to be the norm, not the exception, and the extent of the wandering is usually influenced by the state of affairs back home when I left on the trip.
I spent a few days in Chicago this week. Not all the dust had settled on some money disagreements we'd had the week before, but I'd noted that it was perhaps the first time (at least in a long time) that we'd scuffled over a major point and divorce hadn't automatically appeared on my menu of possible resolutions. So I'd felt encouraged that we were in pretty good shape. But on the eve of my departure, in response to my wife's question as to why I was a little grumpy with her, I made the mistake of replying honestly:
Me: It has nothing to do with the parking ticket you got yesterday. (A $75 citation for having parked in a handicap spot, her defense being, "But I was only there for 10 or 15 minutes!") I'm a little annoyed by this article, and a little annoyed at myself because I've let it annoy me.
I then handed her the magazine in which the article appeared. Here's an excerpt:
Americans have undergone a second sexual revolution over the past two decades, embracing a much wider variety of activities in the bedroom, a new survey has found. The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, conducted by researchers at Indiana University, interviewed nearly 6,000 people. The responses revealed that, while vaginal intercourse is still the main event, “the sexual repertoire of Americans has sort of expanded,” Michael Reece, lead author and the director of Indiana University’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion, tells the Los Angeles Times. Acts that society once frowned on, such as oral sex and masturbation, are now practiced by large majorities. Indeed, close to 90 percent of men and women under 30 report having given and received oral sex. “It’s nice to have this validation of just how much the sexual repertoire is changing," said Reece. “Many people struggle with the conceptualization of what a normal sex life looks like."
Unfortunately, the article also discussed rates of non-heterosexual experimentation among men and women as well as other activities that go beyond the "basics" described above, which became the initial focus of her response and served to obscure the big-picture.
Her: (disbelievingly, more irritated than disgusted) So what, am I supposed to be heterosexual?
Me: Heterosexual?
Her: I mean homosexual.
Me: That's not really the point of the study or what I'm talking about. I'm talking about our physical relationship being really...really...
Her: Boring?
Me: I don't want to say 'boring' so much as...vanilla-y. With the exception of our little tryst in the car up the canyon this summer, which came out of nowhere [she initiated it] and ended up being really remarkable, it's all slight variations on the exact same theme, and with the exception of an occasional encounter in the shower, it's
Her: I like it to happen in a place where I feel comfortable and closed off from the rest, where it won't get messy. I don't want to do it on the kitchen table [we never have] or in a plane [we never have] or on the roof [we never have] or under a tree in a park [once, early in our marriage] or in an old cathedral in Italy [once, early in our marriage -- long story, but important to note that it was a medieval building that had previously served as a church, but had long-since been decanonized or whatever that undoing-of-holiness process is called]. Especially when we have kids in the house and rarely get away together.
Me: I'm not talking just about locations. I'm talking about variety and interest in general.
Her: Because you've got weird ideas about sex.
Me: I'm probably not the best one to judge whether they're weird, but I can assure you that the vast majority of men, including men whom you know and admire, would say that they'd like more variety in their sex lives with their wives, not less.
And so on.
This is perhaps the best opportunity to advise new L.D.S. husbands: I know that many of you arrive at the honeymoon suite with two to three decades of pent-up sexual curiosity percolating in your loins. DO NOT attempt to indulge it too aggressively, creatively and/or quickly with your bride, or you will forever be discredited and future attempts at forays in those general vicinities will stir up deeply-seated memories in her of having felt during those early days/months/years like a blow-up doll in your shop of iniquity.
Anyway, this was my send-off to Chicago. After a long day meeting with bankers and lawyers, my boss and I checked into our hotel. When I travel for business, I stay in places I generally couldn't afford (or at least wouldn't choose to stay in, for the price) if on personal travel...although a few more such getaways might help to address some of the issues here -- but is that in effect bribing sex from my wife? At any rate, they're always very nice places and never lacking in the finer finishing touches, but this place was particularly luxurious, with a huge, marble-lined bathtub under a wall-length mirror, crisp, high-threadcount sheets, a great view of the city at night, etc., all of which makes me, because I'm an unholy man, think about having sex -- sometimes with my wife, sometimes with the attractive woman I saw at the convention or the cafe around the corner or on the lobby. On this occasion, it was the woman who had ridden up in the elevator with us and gotten off on our same floor. As my boss headed to his room, I had lingered at the intersection of the halls and watched until she went around the last corner. My thoughts flowed along these lines: That last hallway spur just has four rooms in it -- what if I were to knock doors? Is occupancy low enough that she may be the only one in a room down there? What would I say? What would she think of my suit? Should I smile more? Is she away from home and inclined toward some play (let's call it a NCO or non-committal orgasm, in the spirit of trusty ol' NicMO) like that woman in the George Clooney movie? Is there some law against that type of solicitation? Would it create a ruckus and my boss find out? Would that be the final collapse? Is it worth it? Would I use my real name? Would I hide my wallet? What if she accepted and came to my room? Would I dim the lights or would we want to see everything? Is she disease-free? How would I ask that anyway? If she asks the same of me, and as proof I tell her I've only had intercourse with my wife, would that guilt her into changing her mind, or would it arouse her further? Would we wear a condom? Do they have those at the concierge? Would we bathe together afterward? Would she stay for an hour or all night? Would she know what my garments are as we took them off? Would I shake and cry or perform? At what point would I tell my wife?
But I just fell asleep in the big throne of a tub watching Portland beat the Clippers on opening night.
My first night in town, I stayed with my eldest sister. I was struck by what a tough life that is, to be raising those kids on her own, and wondered: Under what circumstances I'd want to condemn/doom my children to that? How bad would it have to get?
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Quarterback Sneak
Last night, my wife told me that my eldest sister called, saying that she was really struggling emotionally in the wake of the end of a relatively long relationship/affair, has a week off, and wants to come back to Utah for a few days to be close to home and take a break. Then she said that she usually doesn't "cut it this close," but just made a major purchase for her younger daughter, and asked whether we would make her a loan, including her airfare for this proposed visit. I told my wife no, I don't want to do that, I don't like the context (some color below), and I don't want to form a pattern.
We now pause for...
A little background on my sister: Her income --"her" income, she's divorced-- puts her in the top 12-15% of U.S. households. (I only know her income because I helped her to obtain a loan for something several years ago, and she's long-tenured union, so the likelihood of that income having dropped significantly in the interim is low. But in light of the recession, let's say she's at least in the top 20%.) But her profession puts her in circles where she socializes above her tax bracket, which creates certain expenditure pressures: living in the right neighborhood, wearing the right clothes, collecting the right art/antiques, traveling to the right places, etc. And the fact that her husband is a miserable deadbeat (they have 4 kids) doesn't help. She has always been kind to me, and generous in many ways. No major financial bequests, but some CDs here, a coat there, a box of Belgian truffles, bags of her used dress shoes for my daughter's dress-up games, letting me spend a night in her upscale business hotel room when our paths have crossed abroad on a couple of occasions, etc.
>link to Scott
> link to Leonidas
>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Income-curve-$10k.png
A little background on some recent financial points relating to my sister: Earlier this year, she was in town, found herself "in a jam," and borrowed well into four figures for us for some type of medical procedure. I don't know exactly what it was, but I'm pretty sure it was cosmetic of some kind. It took her three or four times the agreed-upon time to repay us -- reason had something to do with it being the IRS having messed up with her tax return. That was the first time she's asked for or received financial support from us. Early last month, I called her to wish her a happy birthday, but got her voicemail, later to learn that she was on Sicily on a solo birthday trip she'd given herself. No problem, none of my business. Two weeks ago, I learned that her daughter and son-in-law had flown back to her home for visit. As the two are struggling undergrads at a local university, with one waitressing job between them, I assume that they didn't pay for the flight. No problem, none of my business. "Ring ring, hi, can I have a plane ticket and loan?" Problem, now it's my business.
...and back to our regularly-scheduled program.
My wife thought I was being selfish and immature last night. I asked her whether she was motivated by guilt at having taken a several-thousand-dollar commission from the bank several years ago while, as a mortgage broker, helping my sister to refinance her house, a commission that she used to enroll in a financial management/investment strategy course in an effort to curry favor with its get-rich-quick instructor. Our discussion went nowhere, topped off with my wife saying, "Besides, I feel a surprising empathy for her situation. We have many parallel struggles, like her financ...never mind, you never do well on subjects like these." "No, this is interesting. Please try me." "No. Forget it." I don't know the entire extent of that list of perceived parallel struggles, but I can virtually guarantee that it its Top 5 includes deep disappointment in a husband who has failed to meet nearly every expectation, a panicked sense of perpetual financial limitations, and unforeseen and formidable difficulty in being a mother. We went to bed seperately and angrily.
By late morning today, I'd softened my position a bit and e-mailed my sister that I my wife had passed along the message but not all the details, and that I wanted to know what exactly my sister had in mind (i.e., amount, timeframe, etc.). I sent this to open the dialogue, to hear what she had to say, and to talk frankly through my reservations (enumerated above, plus a correction of her possible misperception that we're flush with cash), open to the idea of giving her the loan, depending where the conversation led and what my gut said at the end of it. I never heard from her.
Then tonight on the way home from work, I called my wife to give her my ETA, and asked if, in preparation for a trip to the Caribbean we have coming up soon, she'd like --once the kids were in bed-- to go to a salsa lesson or go read some travel books at Barnes & Noble. She said she had other plans with the kids and her parents, who are in town for an extended visit. No biggie. Then, in an effort to offer an olive branch of sorts, I told her that I'd emailed my sister, what my intentions were behind the email, and that I was awaiting her response. She said it was now moot, because my sister had called her this morning after I left for work, my wife had purchased her the plane ticket and agreed to a loan.
I got home as my wife, her parents, and our two eldest children were heading out to their event. I told my wife she had to talk. She said that I "totally mismanaged the situation last night," and that my brother-in-law would have said, "I'm sorry she put you in that awkward situation, honey. Let me handle it." To which I responded, "That's why he's a senior executive in a Fortune 500 company, and I'm [derogatory description of my profession]!" She said there was nothing to discuss. I said there was. She tried to leave. I stood in front of the door and said, "We're not going to resolve this now, but I need you to please put everything else aside for a moment and focus on one sequence of events: The conversation last night in which I said I didn't want to make this loan to my sister, and the decision you made this morning without even trying to contact me." She said that she wasn't "completely subject" to my "hang-ups about money" and that I was being "incredibly immature," laughed, turned away, and left the house through a side door.
>>Link to RJB
I'm upset at three people:
1) My sister, for having asked, and for having asked my wife instead of me, when she knows perfectly well how to contact me.
2) Myself, for lacking unconditional charity.
3) My wife, for having (I'm going to use a word that sounds painfully, gaspingly, eyerollingly patriarchal) defied so blatantly on this.
And I'm concentrating (some might say "projecting") the anger on my wife right now to such a degree that something between canceling the credit cards / putting everything in my name / direct depositing my paycheck to a private account, and divorce, is the only range of options I'm able to see at this moment. This is compounded by the fact that she told me just this weekend that the $100 agreement we made a couple of years ago (i.e., that we would discuss and reach an agreement before making any out-of-the-ordinary purchases over $100) was an obsolete joke, and she didn't plan to "participate in it" anymore. Which is odd, because the only time in the last six months that it's even arisen was when she told me she was purchasing a new chair that she'd had her eye on for a while, "$350 on sale from $1,800," to which I responded simply, "Sounds nice, I'm sure it'll look great in the house." So why she's feeling strangled by the tyrannical $100 scheme is a mystery to me.
That said, the looming financial backdrop to all of this is that we were outbid (a longer story than that, but "outbid" is the easiest explanation) by $75,000 on a house we wanted, and so I know she's feeling tethered by my income. (Which, incidentally, is in the top 12% in the nation.)
We now pause for...
A little background on my sister: Her income --"her" income, she's divorced-- puts her in the top 12-15% of U.S. households. (I only know her income because I helped her to obtain a loan for something several years ago, and she's long-tenured union, so the likelihood of that income having dropped significantly in the interim is low. But in light of the recession, let's say she's at least in the top 20%.) But her profession puts her in circles where she socializes above her tax bracket, which creates certain expenditure pressures: living in the right neighborhood, wearing the right clothes, collecting the right art/antiques, traveling to the right places, etc. And the fact that her husband is a miserable deadbeat (they have 4 kids) doesn't help. She has always been kind to me, and generous in many ways. No major financial bequests, but some CDs here, a coat there, a box of Belgian truffles, bags of her used dress shoes for my daughter's dress-up games, letting me spend a night in her upscale business hotel room when our paths have crossed abroad on a couple of occasions, etc.
>link to Scott
> link to Leonidas
>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Income-curve-$10k.png
A little background on some recent financial points relating to my sister: Earlier this year, she was in town, found herself "in a jam," and borrowed well into four figures for us for some type of medical procedure. I don't know exactly what it was, but I'm pretty sure it was cosmetic of some kind. It took her three or four times the agreed-upon time to repay us -- reason had something to do with it being the IRS having messed up with her tax return. That was the first time she's asked for or received financial support from us. Early last month, I called her to wish her a happy birthday, but got her voicemail, later to learn that she was on Sicily on a solo birthday trip she'd given herself. No problem, none of my business. Two weeks ago, I learned that her daughter and son-in-law had flown back to her home for visit. As the two are struggling undergrads at a local university, with one waitressing job between them, I assume that they didn't pay for the flight. No problem, none of my business. "Ring ring, hi, can I have a plane ticket and loan?" Problem, now it's my business.
...and back to our regularly-scheduled program.
My wife thought I was being selfish and immature last night. I asked her whether she was motivated by guilt at having taken a several-thousand-dollar commission from the bank several years ago while, as a mortgage broker, helping my sister to refinance her house, a commission that she used to enroll in a financial management/investment strategy course in an effort to curry favor with its get-rich-quick instructor. Our discussion went nowhere, topped off with my wife saying, "Besides, I feel a surprising empathy for her situation. We have many parallel struggles, like her financ...never mind, you never do well on subjects like these." "No, this is interesting. Please try me." "No. Forget it." I don't know the entire extent of that list of perceived parallel struggles, but I can virtually guarantee that it its Top 5 includes deep disappointment in a husband who has failed to meet nearly every expectation, a panicked sense of perpetual financial limitations, and unforeseen and formidable difficulty in being a mother. We went to bed seperately and angrily.
By late morning today, I'd softened my position a bit and e-mailed my sister that I my wife had passed along the message but not all the details, and that I wanted to know what exactly my sister had in mind (i.e., amount, timeframe, etc.). I sent this to open the dialogue, to hear what she had to say, and to talk frankly through my reservations (enumerated above, plus a correction of her possible misperception that we're flush with cash), open to the idea of giving her the loan, depending where the conversation led and what my gut said at the end of it. I never heard from her.
Then tonight on the way home from work, I called my wife to give her my ETA, and asked if, in preparation for a trip to the Caribbean we have coming up soon, she'd like --once the kids were in bed-- to go to a salsa lesson or go read some travel books at Barnes & Noble. She said she had other plans with the kids and her parents, who are in town for an extended visit. No biggie. Then, in an effort to offer an olive branch of sorts, I told her that I'd emailed my sister, what my intentions were behind the email, and that I was awaiting her response. She said it was now moot, because my sister had called her this morning after I left for work, my wife had purchased her the plane ticket and agreed to a loan.
I got home as my wife, her parents, and our two eldest children were heading out to their event. I told my wife she had to talk. She said that I "totally mismanaged the situation last night," and that my brother-in-law would have said, "I'm sorry she put you in that awkward situation, honey. Let me handle it." To which I responded, "That's why he's a senior executive in a Fortune 500 company, and I'm [derogatory description of my profession]!" She said there was nothing to discuss. I said there was. She tried to leave. I stood in front of the door and said, "We're not going to resolve this now, but I need you to please put everything else aside for a moment and focus on one sequence of events: The conversation last night in which I said I didn't want to make this loan to my sister, and the decision you made this morning without even trying to contact me." She said that she wasn't "completely subject" to my "hang-ups about money" and that I was being "incredibly immature," laughed, turned away, and left the house through a side door.
>>Link to RJB
I'm upset at three people:
1) My sister, for having asked, and for having asked my wife instead of me, when she knows perfectly well how to contact me.
2) Myself, for lacking unconditional charity.
3) My wife, for having (I'm going to use a word that sounds painfully, gaspingly, eyerollingly patriarchal) defied so blatantly on this.
And I'm concentrating (some might say "projecting") the anger on my wife right now to such a degree that something between canceling the credit cards / putting everything in my name / direct depositing my paycheck to a private account, and divorce, is the only range of options I'm able to see at this moment. This is compounded by the fact that she told me just this weekend that the $100 agreement we made a couple of years ago (i.e., that we would discuss and reach an agreement before making any out-of-the-ordinary purchases over $100) was an obsolete joke, and she didn't plan to "participate in it" anymore. Which is odd, because the only time in the last six months that it's even arisen was when she told me she was purchasing a new chair that she'd had her eye on for a while, "$350 on sale from $1,800," to which I responded simply, "Sounds nice, I'm sure it'll look great in the house." So why she's feeling strangled by the tyrannical $100 scheme is a mystery to me.
That said, the looming financial backdrop to all of this is that we were outbid (a longer story than that, but "outbid" is the easiest explanation) by $75,000 on a house we wanted, and so I know she's feeling tethered by my income. (Which, incidentally, is in the top 12% in the nation.)
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Bienvenidos a Miami
A short while after the Sun afternoon session, got on a redeye
Never been
Commitment re. no "Titty bar" (quote text to BH)
Colleague's (AP on mission, approaching 10 yrs in 2nd marraige after rough divorce cheating spouse, now inactive but not antagonistic) report of south beach from day before my arrival
Told him, soft spot in heart for Latinas - don't know whether it's because I came to love
Clevelanders - Sol, probably 8-10 years my junior - reminiscing>modesty, colleague: "Mom was going to spank her for dressing naughty"
Lincoln Road - Astoria Couture - Ukraine
Morning of our departure, took a walk from Lincoln to South, because concierge had told him that's where they congregate
Fortunately, 62 degrees, overcast, and gale-force winds.
What was purpose -- to pretend to not see them, or point out to each other in feigned disbelief, disgust?
Came home angry at my wife. Sad because we'd been doing really well in the month or two leading up to conference. Still doing OK but I'm generally agitated, impatient, aging.
Never been
Commitment re. no "Titty bar" (quote text to BH)
Colleague's (AP on mission, approaching 10 yrs in 2nd marraige after rough divorce cheating spouse, now inactive but not antagonistic) report of south beach from day before my arrival
Told him, soft spot in heart for Latinas - don't know whether it's because I came to love
Clevelanders - Sol, probably 8-10 years my junior - reminiscing>modesty, colleague: "Mom was going to spank her for dressing naughty"
Lincoln Road - Astoria Couture - Ukraine
Morning of our departure, took a walk from Lincoln to South, because concierge had told him that's where they congregate
Fortunately, 62 degrees, overcast, and gale-force winds.
What was purpose -- to pretend to not see them, or point out to each other in feigned disbelief, disgust?
Came home angry at my wife. Sad because we'd been doing really well in the month or two leading up to conference. Still doing OK but I'm generally agitated, impatient, aging.
"A cruise missle was cut out without hands..."
"...and no unhallowed imam can stop the work from progressing."
Today in Sac Mtg learned that the invasion of Iraq was a divinely-ordained effort to lay the foundation for the spreading of the gospel in mideast (isn't that what King X said as well?)
Reminded me of one of my favorite conference moments ever: Hinckley closed the April, 2003 conference by carefully and diplomatically articulating the Church's (supposed) position of political neutrality. The address provided a variety of important bullets for Church PR, among them:
And perhaps it helped to remind U.S. --and especially Wasatch Front-- Mormons that "We, The Saints" no longer means we who are white, middle-and-above-class Republicans whose zip codes begin with 84. And then when the MoTab Choir began the closing number, I laughed so hard I nearly fell from the couch. My wife didn't get it; maybe you will:
Watching over Israel
Speaking of conference:
Uchtdorf, Holland
No camera, denied oppty, plenty of leg, no lack among the granddaughters of GAs filing out in front
Cars in parking lot (what would jesus drive?)
Today in Sac Mtg learned that the invasion of Iraq was a divinely-ordained effort to lay the foundation for the spreading of the gospel in mideast (isn't that what King X said as well?)
Reminded me of one of my favorite conference moments ever: Hinckley closed the April, 2003 conference by carefully and diplomatically articulating the Church's (supposed) position of political neutrality. The address provided a variety of important bullets for Church PR, among them:
And perhaps it helped to remind U.S. --and especially Wasatch Front-- Mormons that "We, The Saints" no longer means we who are white, middle-and-above-class Republicans whose zip codes begin with 84. And then when the MoTab Choir began the closing number, I laughed so hard I nearly fell from the couch. My wife didn't get it; maybe you will:
Watching over Israel
Speaking of conference:
Uchtdorf, Holland
No camera, denied oppty, plenty of leg, no lack among the granddaughters of GAs filing out in front
Cars in parking lot (what would jesus drive?)
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